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[12 Mar 2006|11:10pm] |
I am just so confused
You never really know, you know?
It's a never-ending stuggle and an ever-constant battle...
Who am I, and why do I ask myself that question so often?
There are just some things I can't do, and some things I can't control.
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[26 Feb 2006|10:34pm] |
Ugh Fuck me.
Mama's had a fucking bad weekend.
So here she goes...
So friday I had a great time with Sara, Clare, and Amanda. We went to fourstar and sat and laughed and had a good time. Lame shit went down with Clare and Chris and then I talked to Ryan and he told me to come there to hang out.
I get there...AND THAT FUCKING ANNA GIRL was there along with that other fucking blond boy. FUCK. I dont even get a hi from Ryan and I FINALLY get a little attention when they all realize that I am about to go into shock from being so cold while they stood outside and took pictures of eachother in crazy glasses. Needless to say, Mama was already getting a little pissed at this point.
So yeah. FINALLY we go inside Chris's house, Chris walks random drunk girls outside, FUCKING ANNA sits next to Ryan and proceeds to lean on him and look at me, and the 3 of them talk. Then... RYan asks me, "Why are you being so quiet?" OH I DONT FUCKING KNOW!! MAYBE BECAUSE I DONT KNOW THESE TWO FUCKING WEIRD-ASS PEOPLE AND THEY KEEP GIVING ME WEIRD LOOKS AND NOT LOOKING AT ME. MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SPEEKING TO ME...NO ONE FUCKING IS.
It doesn't need to be said (but I'll say if for those slow people out there) I WAS FUCKING PISSED.
So yeah. I talked to Chris for a bit and then fucking anna says in her weird voice, "MAHH, lets go get coffee...remember the last time we got coffee, that was so funny. AAAHAHAHAH"
gag.me.please.
So they start walking (weird boy and fucking anna) and I walk into the livingroom where Jacob has a female with him. I say hi and we chat for a bit, and as Ryan is coming down the hall Jacob says to me, "Ryan has a girlfriend. He's a jerk. No one is supposed to know about her...Don't get hurt."
I had to embarassingly(is that a word?) admit to him that Chris had already informed me, yet I still proceeded to hang out with him.
Ryan reaches the door and says, "Hey ELlie, we're getting coffee. Let's go."
I say goodbye to Jacob and follow him out the door.
THE fucker didn't say a damn word to me. Just ran to catch up with his friends.
Fucking Anna made a semi nice attempt when she allowed herself to leave Ryan's side and walk next to me out to the cars. I couldn't take it so I jsut started walking past them to my car.
Ryan says, "Where are you going?"
I reply, "Home, I...um..already ate."
Anna says, "We're not eating...just having coffee."
I reply, "Yeah, I already had that, too."
Ryan says, "Ok, well give me a hug then."
I reluctanly stop walking and he hugs me, and I don't hug him back for like the first time my entire life.
He asks, "What's the matter?"
I reply (almost too defensively), "NOTHING."
He starts to tell me to call him tomorrow, but I turnaround mid-sentance and get into my car.
Fuck. I call Clare, the usual semi tears...
I get brave and decide Mama's not puttin up with this shit anymore.
I text Ryan: Call me when you get home.
He texted back: Ok, it might be late. I wont forget
JUST KIDDING
He forgot.
Insert here me saying, "I don't care, I'm over it"
Yeah. JUST KIDDING
I'm not. I still like him.
I'm an idiot
I pull into my street to find Sara, Amanda, and CLare dancing on top of Sara's car outside with glowsticks, holding flowers.
I love them.
I like Ryan.
Last night at the show MIkey F was being too sweet to me. He kissed me a few times and I liked it. I liked someone coming up to me and hugging me for no reason. I like that he said he was going to Kirby's if I was. Fuck. I messed around with him today after I got judged at Science Fair.
It felt weird doing it and I wasn't sure why.
On my way back to St. Bede all I could think about was Ryan.
I realized why it was so weird with Mikey.
I don't like him. I never will. I can't.
Reading this over makes me cry. I am sickened by myself.
Why am I letting myself go through this. I can't concentrate, I keep fucking everything up.
KSDJFKLJASDLKFJSLKJFLKSJDF
I need this all to be over. I need to not think about Ryan ever.
I need my gurls.
I haven't hung out with Emma or Nicole or Anne on the weekends.
I have Clare and Jo, but no E M A. M
Mama needs lovin from all her girls
FUCK
So here I sit.
Tear up over my pretty bowl of cut strawberries.
Wondering what my life is going to be like if I allow myself to go on like this
I don't know what I need, just something.
Not MIkey, not Ryan
Just something
kjsdfkj
fuck whatev
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[29 Jan 2006|11:32am] |
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Being sick sucks balls.
I want to drop my speech class. I can't see myself giving that speech next week and if I still feel like this on monday, I definitely won't be going to school.
I woke up friday morning and I could hardly move...I was achey all over and my face felt like it was going to explode. MAJOR sinus headache. My mom was being a bitch, though and it was friday AND jean day and those days usually don't feel like actual school. I also didn't have my college class that day so I decided to actually go through with it for a change...I made it through first period and the thought of sitting through pre calc was sickening.
I called my mom at work, she was pissed. I went home.
I watched Sex and the City nonstop all day and I kept feeling worse.
My head hurts, my back hurts, my face hurts, my nose keeps running and then getting stuffy and then running, my stomach hurts, and I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up. GROSSSSSS
I didn't make it to John's, but it felt good getting a call from him around 10 telling me to come there. I was out of my mind with all of the medication I was on by then, but he called none the less (is that one word?)
Right after John called I had a huge breakdown. Oh god was it glorious...
I walk into my bedroom to get my pills off my nightstand next to my bed. On the wall RIGHT NEXT TO MY BED, there was a spider with a brown body the size of my middle fingernail and short little skinny legs. I screamed, of course, because I am deathly afraid of spiders...ESPECIALLY ONES THAT ARE CLOSE TO MY BED. WHERE I SLEEP. AND CAN POSSIBLY INHALE THINGS DURRING SLEEP. LIKE SPIDERS. ALKSDJFLKASDJF.
I decided to be brave and kill it with a napkin that was sitting there, but when I went to grab the napkid, it JUMPED..that's right JUMPED...behind the nightstand and I then JUMPED onto my bed, hit my head on the ceiling (making my headache unnoticably worse), and started screaming.
My mom runned in to find me histerically crying pointing to my nightstand. She pulled it out and looked for it, but it was no where to be found. In an attempt to comfort me she said, "Well you have nothing to worry about...By now it's probably not even in your room, it probably went into the vent or something." RIIIIIIGHHTTTT. That REALLY helps. It's ok...it's no longer in swallowing distance...it's just laying its eggs under my floors and then in a couple weeks they are going to hatch and MORE fat spiders are going to crawl into my mouth...OH MY GOD. I just kept crying.
I know I sound like a retard, but I really am afraid of spiders.
So as much as I love my bed, I stated, and still stand firm, that I would reject it until my room was fumigated. Our house has NEVER been fumigated. We have gross alien spiders everywhere. AND NOW we have gross fat spiders IN MY ROOM. I got used to them in my bathroom...even in the kitchen...
BUT NOT IN MY FUCKING ROOM.
Clay and my mom went out last night so it was nice having the living room to myself to freely watch some S&C. My dad called aroun 7 to tell me about Blue Man Group, and I told him of my tramatic story with the spider. He totally understood and Nancy even got on the phone to tell me she wouldn't blame me for freaking. He told me to stop by today around 1 and he would give me some spider spray that would work beautifully. I love my dad.
So I spent friday night and saturday night in the third bedroom. It's probably not helping my back at all, but at least it's spider-free. I sleep horribly in there, but I'd rather get a bad night sleep than swallow a spider or have one crawl all over my face.
So that's it. I finished Sex and the City this morning and I cried, again. It was beautiful from begining to end. It made me realize that as much as I like my friends, I'm ready. I'm nervous and scared for the future, but who isn't? I'm also really excited. I'm ready to live my own life and go my own way. I don't know where Loyola will take me, but I'm praying that it's somewhere I'll be happy.
It's amazing what some sex can do to your spirit
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[26 Jan 2006|03:30pm] |
Watching as much Sex and the City as I am is making me feel horrible about myself.
Haha...
Kudos to anyone who can watch an episode and actually WANT to eat or NOT want to have gorgeous long, full hair like Carrie's...
So that's what I've been doing. Homework? no. Finding a job? no. Filling out scholarship apps? well...kind of...but I do those while I'm watching. I'm a sick women...and I haven't even broken the surface of the 4th season...
Haaaa, also...I've been talking to the cutest person ever on myspace (yeah shut up, asshole.). It's kind of pathetic...He looks like Tash but skinnier, cuter hair, more complex name (Shafique), and taller. Yum. Oh yeah...and he isn't a cuntrag. Ahhh...my Pistachio. How I loathe you...
AND after talking to him last night...I totally found out that he also goes to U of I. Good times...speaking of, me and Nico might be going there next Friday.
I really shouldn't be bashing Tash anymore because we made up after about a month of fighting and being mean to each other. We talked on the phone for awhile and the conversation was really boring. I was relieved..
ALSO I checked my e-mail the other day only to be surprised with emails from my World Affairs Seminar friends... Seriously EVERYONE had added something to this long chain. I was so excited! Kyle, the first person me and Kristy met (aka the 3rd official member of BFFTA) is going to Columbia!! We are going to be in the same city and we already decided that we are hanging out all the time. It seriously made me so happy to know that I'm going to be able to hang out with all of these people that I bonded so quickly with over the time of a week. I get giddy just thinking about it! I also took a time out to do something that I had been meaning to do since camp ended...I CALLED CHARLEYYY!
Charley was seriously one of those people that you can't NOT love... He was so funny and sweet, I just adored him. So I got his family's machine when I called and those tricky bastards set it sssoooo quick that I had no time to hang up when it came on...I was forced to leave a message. Around 8:30 he called back and we excitedly talked about our lives while Clare sat, confused, in the passenger seat of my car...Haha yeaaahhh, sorry about that. He ended up calling back the next night and we talked more. It was soo great hearing from him and I miss him so much. He is also going to college close to Chicago, so I hope Kyle and I get to see him, too.
Oh yeeahhhhh, and RISA added me on myspace and I laughed. She's so cute and I was so excited to hear from her.. Ahh, I heart WAS and I wish I could get a sponsorship again, but I highly doubt the rotary would send me again and it's just too expensive...
This entry is pointless, I have an outline for a fucking speech to write.
So suck it, bitches
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| 2k5 |
[05 Jan 2006|02:01am] |
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DM |
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Holy hell, I'm updating
I feel like I should say something about 2005, but I really didn’t do anything that great. Actually, I can't really remember hardly anything that happened earlier in the year.
I'll start a list of highlights...
1. I finished junior year without killing myself
2. I successfully met, and completely fell for, my first Myspace friend, Tashio
3. Clay was a fucker for the 9th consecutive year in a row
4. My parent’s marriage is still going weird after 6 years as of January 2nd
5. I got yelled at for failing to wish them a Happy Anniversary, and then was told to "go to my room" after they ordered me to wish them one and I still didn't. Ew. Duh..
6. Umm, we finally got digital cable...no more dial up
7. Ohhhh duh! I lost my v-card hahahaha
8. My parents found a couple of packs of ciggies (a good 15 dollars down the toilet)
9. I embarassingly made out with Mikey F on new years eve because I had a crush on him, only to later realize he was just really really drunk and it didn't mean anything. (I can handle some randomness and fun here and there, but that time just kind of sucked...I only did it because I really liked him...duh..)
10. I found my favorite person to be with at local shows: Mike Zeman
11. I got yelled at by, and then later formed a bond/friendship, with Sara Thompson(sp)
12. I started really really liking one of my best friends for the millionth time...we had a really good time and I enjoyed spending a lot of my summer with him
13. I finally beat Emma (love you guuuuurl)
14. I saw Annie cry (love you, too boo)
15. I spent countless times at Jalapenos with mah gurls even though I can't stand the place
16. I spent the majority of my time with Nicole who I owe my life to
17. Me feet, for some weird reason, started smelling bad. I know a lot of people have that problem, but I had NEVER EVER had that problem up until this year. Maybe I'm just getting older...
18. Me and Clare spend many nights in Ian's smoke-filled, but some how inviting and cozy, room with him, Kevin, Dave, and Josh.
19. I dyed my hair black
20. I bleached it to a light brown
21. I went to my first ever, successful, fun, crowded, wonderful New Years Eve party
22. I sang with Hong Kong and learned the words two nights before in Sean's car with him and Mike V at 2 in the morning, oh..and also 20 minutes before.
23. I heard Pat rap
24. I dated Eric Wong and it was definitely one of the best relationships I've ever have
25. Me and Clare ALMOST got tickets to see Hanson again
26. I survived yet another year with Clay's crazy family in Missouri
27. I spent many nights in John's murder box and loved every grotesque second of it
28. It was the 3rd year of having a crush on Cab and I still haven't done anything about it...because I'm a pussy...
29. I started to grow up
There were probably many other huge things that happened that I forgot about. I guess it was a pretty good year. One thing I've learned is that I made a lot of mistakes and I made a lot of good choices... Ones that were good for me. During the end of the year, I started thinking more about myself and what I thought would make me a better, happier person. I have no regrets for anything I did or anything that happened to me. I am seeing now that everything will somehow work itself out, and regretting or wishing something didn't happen is just silly. It happened. I survived. I'm happy.
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| "your ass is grass" |
[29 Nov 2005|11:10pm] |
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Fiona, who else? |
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kill thefever: night boo!
an odetonoone312: nihgt
kill thefever: what? is that chinese for "eric's retarded"
kill thefever: i'm sorry eric, i don't speak chinese
an odetonoone312: thats real funny nigger
kill thefever: hahahahaha
an odetonoone312: in yo face
kill thefever: whateva!
an odetonoone312: i'll serve your ass like john mcenroe
kill thefever: hahahahahahaha
kill thefever: bring it.
an odetonoone312: i won
kill thefever: you may have won the battle, but you won't be winning the war.
I miss Eric. Duh.
Oh p.s. THIS BITCH GOT ALL A'S ON HER GRADE CARD. WHAT NOW MOTHAFUCKERS!?
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| This is what I do instead of my english paper |
[17 Nov 2005|10:27pm] |
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AHHHH |
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Sufjan Stevens |
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NNNOOOOO
All I can think about is WHY ISNT NILA WITH JOHN STEMOS?! FUCK YOU BLACK ARMY MAN. YOU ARE UNRELIABLE AND NILA NEEDS TO EITHER BE WITH THE GUY FROM A WALK TO REMEMBER OR JOHN MOTHERFUCKING STEMOS! Ugh. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDD ABBY AND LUCA TOTALLY HAD SEX AND IT WAS CUTE AND HE REMINDED ME OF TASHIO AND I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND NOW THEY DECIDED TO JUST BE FRIENDS AND THEY NEED TO BE TOGETHER. Now.please. Oh don’t worry…they will. They have to. They have before. Carter is gone so there is no stopping them! You know what? Fuck Carter and his little British beyotch and their baby.
Carter who???
Fucking ER. Why are you so damn good? A fucking plane crash?! Burning buildings?! Chinese men fucking choking on their own teeth?! Fuck! This one was ALMOST as good as the one when the asshole, bald doctor got his arm chopped off by a helicopter blade. Now THAT was a damn good episode. Seriously. ER never seizes to amaze me.
Kudos NBC. Kudos to you and your rich, rich families.
I am bruised, cut, and bleeding…but I was not defeated.
Suck it, slut!
P.S. I developed a new habit the other day. Running on our treadmill. It really is wonderful and much needed. Looking at myself in a tank-top makes me want to gag. Haha, ahhhhh I hate pop-up adds.
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[13 Nov 2005|10:37am] |
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whateva, I've handled worse |
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Ahhh fuck thiiiiiis
I honestly don't understand what's going on with this (more importantly, me) anymore. By anymore, I mean the past few days. I was with Tash again and, of course, I had a great time. But what the hell. For some reason it felt a little weird finding out that him and his girlfriend had sex a lot. I totally understand that couples have sex, hell I have. But when I say a lot...I mean a lot, a lot. AANNNDDD not gunna lie, as ashamed of myself for doing this, I stooped to the level of a 13 year old and found her livejournal. Well, it wasn't that hard. It was on her myspace, I'm surprised I hadn't convinced myself to look at it before.
Anyways...It was just weird reading about their relationship. I know it isn't jealousy, I know what that is and how I handle myself when I am jealous. I can't explain what is going on. It's just a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel really uneasy when I read about the things they've shared together, and the weirdness of knowing about some of the stuff she's talking about. Maybe I feel uncomfortable about causing her so much grief. AHH.it.is.making.me.crazy.
I know how I feel about Tash, and I know how we decided that I'm supposed to feel about him. They occasionally differ. But why is it that whenever I see him, or am about to see him, he turns into this great guy who can't wait to see me. I mean seriously, he actually said that he would come visit sometime over Thanksgiving break because my mom said I couldn't go to U of I again until she met him. What's more surprising is that I actually believed him. And now that I'm back at home, he just doesn't know if he can ‘make time for it’. LAME. I totally should have called that one.
I care for him, I really do. But there’s just something weird going on inside. I don't know if I'm getting uncomfortable about the situation, now knowing so much about him and his ex, or if I know I’m getting emotionally attached to an undependable person. I love being his friend, but I also love the other stuff. I think I need to stop being childish.
I’m not getting attached. I know better than that.
God, this is a great time to be thinking about shit like this. I have an effing personal statement to write and I can’t concentrate for more than 15 minutes. I’m probably going retarded.
Haha, I'm so dumb. I feel better about the situation already.
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[12 Nov 2005|01:14pm] |
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wonderfulll |
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Les Mis |
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I like how I had a great time last night and how there’s still a lot of weekend left.
I like how after two years, I still have a great time with the Washington boys (aka Eric and Randy and Dave).
I think it's funny how everyone calls Tashio by weird names
Ex: Natasha (Emma), Tissue (Mother), Ted (Father), Pistachio (hahahahahahaha Dave), Bear (me)
I like how comfortable with him and around him I am.
I like how he worries about me
I love how he worries about my friends
I like coming home and still smelling him on my clothes and in my hair.
I love not taking a shower because I don't want the smell to go away, even though I really really need one.
I love having a good time with my friends and realizing that the best part about the whole trip was talking about it on the ride home.
I LOVE YOU BITCHESSS
Oh wow. I really really really need a shower.
meh
I can't wait until Thanksgiving
eeewww I have homework
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[03 Nov 2005|10:38pm] |
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whatchugunadowitallthatjunk |
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X files theme song |
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I am just a busy little bee this week. My past few have been really chill, but something about this week was a bit crazy.
It all started when I got home from work on Monday. It was unusually busy for a Monday, but duh, it was Halloween and it was raining so parents bring their little children to the mall instead of letting them roam the wet, cold streets. I really don't like Halloween, but I love looking at costumes. There were a lot of lame princesses and weird scary masks, but also some really cute, original stuff. My favorite was this little boy in a silver box and little silver arms and legs and wires attached to it. too.cute.
Anyways. I made a lot of money in tips because I'm amazing like that, and when I got home, my mom was sitting in our dinning room with the Loyola application spread out on the table. I nearly peed my pants. She had already started a list of activities I'd been involved in, and I never realized until that moment how involved it stuff I really have been over the summer. All of those lame seminars and camps I went to over the summers have really paid off. Yay politics and rotary!
But yeah. From that moment on, I had the college junk running through my system. On Tuesday this lame lady talked to our bio class about DeVry(sp) and basically career choices and junk. I completely flipped a bitch (which is not out of character) and ran to that fat bastard our school calls a guidance counselor. What a tool. He was too busy getting shit together for the 8th grade open house. I yelled at him and then ran to the office before I started crying. Hahaha. Once I got into the office, I was a river that couldn't be stopped. Damn that office and the many tears I shed in it. I call my mom and went home. I only had Econ left and that class is a complete joke...even though Mr. Balestri is hothothot.
I felt like I had no direction, but my mom set up a meeting with the counselor from Hall and I talked to her for a good hour and I finally have direction. Really, I had had it all along...I was just too busy worrying about how my career choice wasn't on the DeVry lady's list.
East Coast, here I come..
So last weekend me and Nico visited U of I. Oh god, what a good time. I finally got to meet Tashio. He was definitely everything I expected and more. Who knows what's going on with that. I sure as hell don't. I never do. But, and this is really stupid, for some reason I feel this weird connection with him. I felt it Friday night and I still feel it now. Who knows. Maybe there is something ahead of us...maybe it's the hormones from my birth control. Fate and/or Seasonel are definitely tricky.
Anyways. I decided to try and win him over by making a care package. I've already got a few things settled in a cute little box...now on to the hard part...the dreaded mixed cd. I have a bad habit of starting something and then getting really really into it and making it into this huge thing. I did the same thing when I tried making a mixed cd for Eric and it turned into 3 cds of my favorite songs that I almost didn't want to give away. As of right now, I've gone through nearly half of my cd collection and picked over 40 songs that either a) I love, b) speak to me personally, c) I think he will love, and d) are just plain amazing. As stereotypical as this sounds, I really do like music. I'll get in kicks where I'll listen to one cd in my car for months and then discover a gem I had hidden in the stacks of my cd rack that becomes the new cd on endless rotation.
Tomorrow is Loyola. Tomorrow I see what very well could be the college I attend. It could be the place I mold and discover myself as a person. Or it could be really boring and too expensive. OOOOOOoo Whooooo knooooowwwwssssss...
EDIT EDIT EDIT: Ugh fuck me! Why do I feel so fucking crappy. This is lame. I am afraid to get up from this mother effing computer desk because I don't want my mom to see me crying. My am I so fucking lame? I just really need someone to vent to, but is that possible? No. Never. I don't feel like going to this Halloween dance because I'm tired and I don't want to hang out with fucking Leg up Cut up. AH motherfucker!
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| "It's a sweet little message now, but I intend to woo you with chocolates and sex appeal next." |
[02 Oct 2005|03:14pm] |
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the Sounds |
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I really have no business updating. Usually when things like this happen I feel better when I begin the entry, but after going over all of the details and thinking about the situation yet again, I feel even worse that I did before. That isn't going to happen this time. For some reason this is different...I'm not as angry or hurt as I thought I would be.
Last night was weird. As the pattern seems to go, my parents leave me home alone and I end up alone and, for some strange reason, miserable. This time started to play out like that.
I start the day really angry and hurt.
Go to the Salvs with mah guurl Nico and then to Mickey’s where we discuss and come to a conclusion…sort of.
I come home feeling very thankful to have Nicole and then start feeling crappy about the rest of my night.
My Fins called, a plan was made and it was basically a waiting time...
I decided to get off my butt and go to the Kelley's.
Called Caitlin and started walking there. She met me outside and we sat on the floor and talked about things.
Talked to Alexandra, Aly, Mark, Jenny, and Bri. Cute times.
Walk upstairs and see the missed call from mfinney and call back.
I get an, "I miss you, boo" and then realize I had been left on the main floor of the Kelley's house while the other people I walked up with had gone upstairs to Mark's room.
Feeling even crappier than this afternoon, I walk home crying.
I stop and laugh at myself for being retarded and then call mfin back in an attempt to make a daring escape to Sterling...
My plan was foiled by a bad movie.
I feel worse x 98239048 and run the rest of the way home.
Strip and get into the most trashy, comfortable clothes I own and made my way over to Jewel with Mom's credit card.
I buy milk and junk food...then start on my way to Blockbuster.
The phone rings, I pray it's someone and not just my mom, it's Caitlin.
I turn around and pick Caitlin up at my house where she was wait..
We swap stories and cry for a little bit, then go into Blockbuster and pick out movies.
We came back and watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and completely forget about everything that was bothering us about that night.
It was definitely hilarious x 92384
We discuss more things, she leaves, I call Nico
I watched more tv and then realized that I would hate to wake up to a messy house so I clean
and clean and clean and clean and clean.
The house looks great and I go to bed feeling amazing.
I wake up today feeling a bit hurt, but still good.
It finally doesn't bother me. I've come to accept that there is no changing some people, and I shouldn't dwell on it. I have other friends. I feel better.
I get my act score back this week. I'm nervous. I am scared for Moline's homecoming, but if I got through Prom my sophomore year with Jake, I can get through anything. I'm excited for homecoming. Brielle and Alexandra have been added to our homecoming group, and we decided at fourstar that we would have Verucci's (I think) cater to my house and just eat here. I'm excited, but it hasn't been discussed with everyone else yet. I'm excited.
There. I was able to talk about the situation without venting or getting upset.
I just watched the Life Aquatic and it was just ok. Don't Judge
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[08 Sep 2005|09:45pm] |
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enough saaaiiiiddd |
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k.west. |
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FUCK YOU
Dear Clay...please suck it
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[17 Aug 2005|10:00pm] |
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beeeatt |
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illinoooooooooiiiise |
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I like school
and tennis
(especially Mr. D, aka HOTTIE)
and having study hall last period
(being done with school at 2)
and being partners with Em
(her aggressiveness makes me more aggressive, making tennis a better time)
and basically everyone on the tennis team
and not having to work at the pool
It really isn't so bad at all.
I'm dropping Sociology...Mr. Whatever-his-face can suck dog balls and get hit in the face 15 times with a wet cunt-rag. I hope Cummsy lets me into Photo again...maybe I will bake him cookies and he will love me and let me in. Yeah...that's what I'll do.
Let's have a dinner date! With Dinosaur shaped chicken fingers and soup and tea, and then ice cream and/or cake. Who's in? We'll even use the fine china..
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[16 Aug 2005|12:18am] |
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I think that shaving my legs is such a let-down. Since my employment at the pool this summer, I have been keeping up with it because it is expected. But since I stopped working there two weeks ago, I had been slacking. Our first tennis practice was today (more about it later) and I have the biggest crush on Mr. D aka our coach and the new Chemistry teacher. I thought I might as well get back into the habit, so I gave up 15 minutes of my life and put my Intuition to use. All was good and I was set for wearing Clar's dress to 4-Mal tonight...BUT...now that I am sitting here, I start to feel my leg, enjoying the softness...and I run into a skinny, 3 inch line of little hairs that I missed on my thigh. Needless to say, they are pissing me off. It's killing me. They are SO annoying but I cant make a lot of noise because the rents are sleeping, so there is nothing I can do about them until the morning, but I will forget then until tennis practice tomorrow, and then they will be an even BIGGER distraction. But I will forget about them AGAIN after becayse tennis is hard and gross and I will want to shower when I get home, but will forget about them AGAIN and find them while I am sitting here, around this time tomorrow night...where it will, yet again, be too late. I want to die.
Tennis is going to be fun. We have to run this year, and we might actually do things at practice. The running sucked, and it was hot, but thanks to Annie (my running partner) we made it through with minimal side-cramps. I sucked it up pretty bad because today was my first time playing tennis all summer. The time I played again Clare and Nicole doesnt count because they are horrible...hehe, but cute!
Speaking of cute. I effing love Mr. D and I want to have his children. I really wish I was in Chemistry this year. Damn Urby to hell.
Tomorrow is the last day before school and I still havent gotten any school supplies. I think I may to Bloomington tomorrow to get that plus new crap for tennis. Ughness. Where is Michael Finneyy.
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[01 Aug 2005|12:14am] |
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mood |
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askdfasldjfalksdjf |
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music |
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Nelly McKay |
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LAST WEEK OF WORK, BITCHES
I need closure...
and kevin
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[25 Jul 2005|12:49am] |
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mood |
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lkasjiofawekjlasdf |
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I'm bleeding and it hurts.
I have cramps.
Mood swings x 8029384908234
All I want is sex.
I should be celebrating...this week is the last time I will ever have a full 7 fucking days of bleeding. I started the big BC so I am officially down to only having my visit from Aunt Flo 4 times a month...and when she comes, she's only staying for 2 DAYS. I love you seasonale.
Wicked was beyond amazing. I cried. A lot. And totally saw / air talked to ANA GASTEYER aka hillarious woman from Saturday Night Live. I was excited. I also met the woman who played Galinda/Glinda, she was cute but kind of weird. ALSO met fucking FIYERO aka Kristoffer Cusick and I died. I would have rather met Telly Leung aka Boq, because he is amazing and adorable and blahblahblahI'mtotallycheckingouthiswebsite.
I miss Mar and Joelle
I miss Kev
I love nico
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[23 Jul 2005|10:55pm] |
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kjsfkljjklsjdlkfj |
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music |
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Nico |
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So my mom's retarded and wouldn't let me go to Chicago on thursday to see Joellie.
I miss her to death and I was pissed.
My thursday got progressively worse and then got better around 10:30 when I went to Myke's for a bit. \
That subject is pure confusion. Gah.
Friday I went to Dominican with my parents to check out the campus. It's just like St.Bede only bigger.
NOOOOO thank you.
My Uncle Mike is planning a two day trip to New York so I can check out Eugene Lang. At least someone supports my need to be out of state.
It's really hot at there house. They don't have air conditioning. They're house is old and wasn't built for it. GGGAAYYY. But yeah, it's ok.
I finally went shopping with my birthday money today. I got some cute stuff for school and junk...and tomorrow I FINALLY get to see WWICKED!!!
I've been dying to see it for sososo long and finally I get to. I am sososo excited
I miss mah guurls.
I hate my situation.
So far, Kevin and Clare have been the only one's who've called me. Granted I've only been gone two days so far, but still...don't you think that someone is missing?coughcoughiewjrkjsfmykeciuklsdjfkcough.
Yeah. I thought so, too.
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[13 Jul 2005|12:12pm] |
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AHHHHHHHH killingsomeone |
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mewithoutyou |
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Gooooooooooooddddddddd fucking eljay.
I haven't updated in years. That's a lie.
Cornerstone was probably the best thing that happened to me all summer. It was beyond amazing and I got to camp with the greatest people know to man (the washington boys) and I got to know so many more people and I didn't have to shower or babysit or teach swimming lessons. I miss it x 092384902384
I love Nicole and Clare. And I love hanging out with them. Nicole, Clare, and Kevin are the only people I have been hanging out with recently. Oh and Brad one night.
Last night I convinced Austin to come here and visit me. He got lost but I have amazing skills so I got him here. We took a tour of my house and then went to the mall where I found out what a big dork he is. It's great, we spent about an hour in the game store and the game doesn't even work. After that we picked up Nicole and Clare and came to my house where my parents continued to act like douche-bags. What else is knew? We picked some flowers and made some cards and brought them over. Austin met them and they thought he was gay. Hahaha. I love him, he's funny.
ANYWAYS. We printed out Austin's directions and I walked him out to his car where threats with metals bats were made and hugs and kisses shared. I gave our money to Kev and he got us some cigs and then came back to my house. Dave was going crazy and I couldn't stop laughing. I took Clar and Niggs home and then watched fear factor with Dave and Kevin until I fell asleep. Kevin is great and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going crazy.
But yeah. Swimming lessons are a bitch and I am babysitting for my neighbors in the morning so I don't have to go to the last few. I swear to god everyone that works there (besides a select few) are the biggest asshole and lazy fucks I've ever met. It's crazy. I hate it. FUCK THE POOL.
Sllllleeeeeeeepppppp
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[17 Jun 2005|11:16pm] |
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unsure |
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something from nathan...that I need to return |
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Ahh, I'm home.
I miss my guuurls and it was great telling Nicole my stories and seeing Joelle and Mar again.
But I can't help feeling homesick for Whitewater.
I had the most amazing, eye-opening time.
I made beyond amazing friends, and met a dangerously wonderful Egyptian that I can't help but fall farther and farther for.
Even now that the camp is over, and some tears were shed when I said goodbye to Ahmed, and then even more tears were shed on the ride home when I realized that there was a chance that I won't see Damla, Risa, Kyle, Yousif, Wes, Charley, Allie, or Monita again. I totally balled my eyes out like the pussy I am.
I loved the time I spend at camp and I miss it already. All I can do is hope that I keep in touch with all of them. It's so strange how I have only known them for a week, but spending all day and night with the same people, and discussing EVERYTHING with them from sex to our opinions, makes me feel like they are my family.
Being home doesn't feel right. I still can't help missing Ahmed, or wishing that tomorrow morning our group would meet for breakfast again. Ughhhhh totally crying.
On a harsher note: I fucking do NOT want to go to girls state. I am going to try to do everything in my power to stay home. I need to spend more time with my gurrrls and more time working. I hate life.
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